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A Wild Song Appeared

by Kavalier Calm

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All the songs in this album were spontaneously written in response to things seen on reddit or other corners of the internet. You can look at each track's description to find links to the content that inspired it. The album title pays homage to reddit user AWildSketchAppeared, whose work on reddit inspired me to comment on reddit with art of my own.


released March 30, 2014




Kavalier Calm Washington, D.C.

Hi, my name’s KC. I write songs inspired by the things I see and people I meet on the internet. Contact me through my blog, and I’ll write a song just for you. About anything you like. Really. Don’t be shy; it’ll be fun, I swear.

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Track Name: Captain Cat Morgan
Captain Cat Morgan

Yo ho ho and a ball of yarn.
Yo ho ho and a ball of yarn.

Captain Cat Morgan sails the seven seas
harrassing Royal Dogs with his Band of Fleas.
They fight their way onto merchant ships
to steal kitty litter and rare catnips.

His heart is black and so is his fur;
his crew always hears him purr:
"I only need one eye to see
the pirate life is the life for me!"

Life should be a Fancy Feast--
not wasted on mice chasing.
And that's why we thieve!
Track Name: Dark Sonnet
Dark Sonnet by Neil Gaiman

I don’t think that I’ve been in love as such,
although I liked a few folk pretty well.
Love must be vaster than my smiles or touch, for brave men died and empires rose and fell.
For love, girls follow boys to foreign lands, and men have followed women into hell.
In plays and poems someone understands, there’s something makes us more than blood and bone.
And more than biological demands for me love’s like the wind unseen, unknown.
I see the trees are bending where it’s been.
I know that it leaves wreckage where it’s blown.
I really don’t know what "I love you" means.
I think it means don’t leave me here alone...
Track Name: If A Fat Girl Falls
If A Fat Girl Falls

If a fat girl falls in the woods
do the trees all laugh?
If she falls in a pool,
does her cannonball make an atom bomb splash?
If a fat girl falls forward
does her ass stay behind?
If she falls at all
does it rip a hole in space and time?
If a fat girl falls in love with you
do you love her back
or be afraid you might be food?
Track Name: I Can't See My Peepee
I Can't See My Peepee

Well, this is a large man's world, and I'm just little old me.
I'm a Trojan warrior with a sword no one can see.
"Iron Grip", "Snugger Fit", and "Magnum XL"
sound like a world of fun for those well-endowed.

Where's the "Extra Tiny"?
Where's the "I Can't See My Peepee"?
I need a box set with tweezers
and a glass for magnifying.

I don't think it's asking for much
to help this little guy get off.
I just promised a virgin at my place
she won't feel a thing.
Track Name: Beaver Dam Jingle
Beaver Dam Jingle

Remember, ladies, Beaver Dam tampons are the only brand
you can trust to stop that flow.

Stop up that flow with a Beaver Dam.
Nothing escapes our logjam.
No, nothing escapes our logjam.

And if you're sick of that rotten fish smell,
try Beaver Dam's new Woodsman Pads
in either pine or cedar scents.
Track Name: You've Never Lived
You've Never Lived

If you've never pooped so hard you had to take your shirt off...
If you've never drank so much you couldn't get it up...
If you've never eaten until you barfed in the buffet parking lot...
You've never lived at all.
If you've never screamed "Pig!" at a fat cop then run away...
If you've never had sex until you were shooting blanks...
If you've never written your Congressman an anonymous bomb threat...
You've never lived at all.
Track Name: Those With Gold
Those With Gold

The divine don't have enough time
to shine on everyone.
The gods of luck shine on some
and hope they pay it forward.

If you're on top,
you're standing on the shoulders of those below,
and they need an angel among the living
to give them hope.

Those with gold owe the cold
a place to find warmth.

Beauty, skill, fame, fortune,
right place, right time.
Don't kid the cosmos or yourself:
"This was meant to be mine."
Track Name: My Daddy Really Loves Sugar
My Daddy Really Loves Sugar

My daddy really loves sugar.
He even eats it with his nose.
My daddy really loves sugar.
Why does he call it blow?

And momma tries to take it away.
She says he has too much.
So he hides it in my pillow case
next to my Reese's cups.

His eyes get all blood shot,
and he's just as hyper as me
when that sweet white powder
hits his blood stream.
Track Name: Angry Pistachio
Angry Pistachio

Fight me u lil bitch.
I'm a tough nut to crack.
You want my sweet green meat,
but you'll never get to where it's at.

You've lost four fingernails trying to get to me.
Give up like the lil bitch you is. Oh can't you see?

I'm a tough nut to crack.
I'm not spread wide open like your mom.
Good luck getting your dirty fingers on me
without a bomb.
Track Name: No Wrong Hole
No Wrong Hole

Baby, it's not the wrong hole.
There ain't a wrong hole on you.
The only wrong thing I could do
is someone other than you.

Now my aim ain't always perfect;
he don't come equipped with GPS.
No, he's as blind as a bat
and bound to make a mess.

Don't you know how close they are?
And I'm bad at subtlety.
Let's just both close our eyes
and see where it leads.
Track Name: My Ex-Wife's Ghost
My Ex-Wife's Ghost

When I looked my ex-wife in the eye,
my world was at peace.
She'd smile and hold my hand,
whisper sweet nothings.

But if I turned my back...
I could hear her sharpening knives.
Her silent laughter ringing in my ears.
On my neck, I could feel her eyes.
She was a ghost of invisible fears.

But if I looked her in the eye...
It felt just like we would have
each other forever.
She held me so tight
our bonds would never sever.
I could forget the feeling
that she wanted me dead.
When we were face to face,
I lost my dread.

And that's why she had to go.
Track Name: My Inner Monologue Is A Sassy Black Woman
My Inner Monologue Is A Sassy Black Woman

The doctor said I should listen to the voice in my head.
Trust that it will steer me right.
The only problem is my inner monologue
is a woman dark as night.

Ooooooooo, I wouldn't do that, son.
Excuuuuuuse me? What'd you say?
Yall motherfuckas need Jesus.
You can tell that bitch Shaniqua she don't live here no more.

Should this sassy black soul be my life guide?
Or should I see if I can have her exorcised?
I don't know how Big Momma's House became my mind.
But somehow, it feels right.
Track Name: Blue Waffle Blues
Blue Waffle Blues

I got the blue waffle blues.
Oh, what to do?
I got the blue waffle blues.
Oh, what to do?
Infection or pus?
I'll still bust a nut.

I want your breakfast, baby.
Let me put syrup on you.
I know the doctor said to stay away.
But I got those blue waffle blues.
So I'll taste them just the same
if you taste my sausage and eggs.
Track Name: I Dreamed I Lived In Your Cleavage
I Dreamed I Lived In Your Cleavage

I had a dream I lived in your cleavage
the way it was the day we met.
All those years ago, I hoped to suffocate in your chest,
and I was happy, safe, and warm.

So why did you have to wake me with the truth?
Your boobs sag to the floor.
Let me go back into that dream
where I was happy, safe, and warm.
Track Name: Make It Count
Make It Count

Your time is not infinite.
Do not waste one single bit.
'Cause you alone
can make it count.
'Cause you alone
can make it count.

You could have 100 years.
Don't let them be ruled by fears.
You have 86000 seconds a day.
Don't let a single one go to waste.
Track Name: Record Man, I'll Sell You My Soul
Record Man, I'll Sell You My Soul

I want my fingers in everybody's pie,
I want to be in everybody's eyes.
Give me the light, the light that's lime,
I'm tired of being unknown.

I don't care, record man; I'll sell you my soul--
'cause if I make it big, I'll have enough gold
to buy another. To buy anything I want.

I used to write for me,
but that got awfully lonely.
And now that I write for no one,
I can buy all the friends I need.

Now, I have it all.
There's nothing left to want in this world.
Yes, I have so much,
I don't even want to make music no more.
including god, an after-life, meaning, and whiskey;
including women, fast cars, new guitars, and love.
I'll buy it all.
Track Name: My Pen Is In The Goat
My Pen Is In The Goat

I was warned it would eat anything.
Tin cans, tires, and bits of old string.
Stories about it should be wrote,
but my pen is in the goat.
Somehow it didn't choke.
Track Name: All Him And Him
All Him And Him

All him and him and him
him him him him him
him him him him him
him him him him him
him him him him him
him him him him him
him him him him him
WHOA. Wendy on about some
him him him him him
Track Name: The, Not A
The, Not A

I use "the" instead of "a" when there's a special one.
There's thousands of stars, but we have just "the sun".
I don't own "a goat".
I own the best goat in the world.
To suggest he's like all the rest
would be like saying my girl
isn't one-of-a-kind when you know that she is.
You call her Mom. I call her my bitch.
The bitch.
Track Name: The Salad's Favorite Song
The Salad's Favorite Song

"Lettuce turnip the beet,
lettuce turnip the beet,
lettuce turnip the beet,"
the salad sings.

Orange you glad I carrot a tune?
Orange you glad I'm apple to?
Orange you glad I turnip the beet.
Lettuce turnip the beet.

Tell me "olive juice".
Tell me "olive juice".
Tell me "olive juice".
'Cause I turnip the beet.
Track Name: Big Balls Blues
Big Balls Blues

Now I ain't the only man with big round balls.
But I might be the only one who wishes they were small.
I can't contain these damn things in my pants
'cause they're bigger than an elephants!

Hair, sweat, and hernias are a common concern.
But my problems are a bit bigger than yours.
Most nuts are proportional to their dick,
but I can ride mine like a pogostick.
Track Name: Hot Oatmeal
Hot Oatmeal

An old man and his wife
were having their anniversary.
40 long years they'd been married.
The wife, she cooked breakfast in the nude
just like she used to do.
She served her husband and with a smile she said,
"I'm still hot for you in my breasts."
He returned her smile and said, "Hot is how they should feel.
Your titties and sagging into my oatmeal."
Track Name: A Public Service Announcement from Senator Dixon
A Public Service Announcement from Senator Dixon

Hello! I'm Senator Dixon,
and I'd like to refute these claims.
There's no way I'd ever associate with the gays.
Jesus said their sickness is terrible sin.
I swear there's no dicks in Dixon.

Now I like a rainbow just as much as the next.
But that don't mean I let that boy oil up my pecks.
Now I know the man in those photos seems to have my grin.
But I swear there's no dicks in Dixon.

Constituents, I hope you understand I'm just the same.
I'll keep fighting for your rights to blindly hate.
If there's anything in this world you can trust
there's no dicks in Dixon's butt.
Track Name: Tim Tam Jingle
Tim Tam Jingle

Tim Tam chocolate biscuits are sure to please.
They're a cut above the rest of other sundries.
Tim Tam Classic Dark--the taste you've come to love.
Once you've had one, you'll never have enough.

Warning: Tim Tam may contain traces of peanuts or human flesh.
Do not consume if you have nut allergies or a history of cannibalism.
Please consult your doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours.

Tim Tam. Because sacrifices must be made for flavor.
Track Name: Ammunition Protects My Soul
Ammunition Protects My Soul

I like to express my gun rights
'cause this world is full of many frights,
and you can fight off most with the threat of lead.
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but ammunition protects my soul
one hollowpoint at a time.
Government won't bring me down;
I bow to no State or Crown.
And in my town a thief thinks twice about losing his life.
Track Name: Actually These Sounds Are Not Music
Actually these sounds are not music,
but I only post songs they are.
Track Name: Nothing Left To Chase
Nothing Left To Chase

Every morning you have
two choices:
sleep with your dreams
or wake and chase them.
But now that you sleep in my bed,
the choices are the same.
You, darling, were my dream.
I have nothing left to chase.

They say somewhere over the rainbow
is a pot of gold.
But who needs gold
when you have a rainbow?
Now that you sleep in my bed,
I can finally see.
Why would I go hunt for more?
I have all that I need.

Now that you sleep in my bed,
there's no decisions left to make.
Any time I can have with you
I should clearly take.
Track Name: Some Men Don't Want To Wear The Pants
Some Men Don't Want To Wear The Pants

Some men don't want to wear the pants.
They like being bossed around.
Some men want to make the sandwich,
and be told what's allowed.

And who are we to judge
if they don't want to hunt?
If they want to gather
and give up their nuts?

We're all just trying to get off,
and some like a bitch on their case.
Some feel most at home
with a woman screaming in their face.
Track Name: Five Minutes And Thirty Seconds Is All It Took To Forget You
Five Minutes And Thirty Seconds Is All It Took To Forget You

Five minutes and thirty seconds is all it took to forget you.
At least the the microwave don't bitch about making my food.
I can push its buttons, and it beeps and hums.
And five minutes and thirty seconds is all it takes to come.
And I might be lonely, but I'll survive on my own.
Love can be found in a box that's froze.
Track Name: Don of the Hobo Mafia
Don of the Hobo Mafia

The urchins of the street are my henchmen.
Panhandling is their crime.
I take pennies off the top of every cup
and live like Lord of the Flies.
I give them malt liquor, they give me respect.
Ain't met a hobo I ain't liked yet.
They were just a people looking for a king
who loves subjects, dirty or clean.

They're dirty, looking for a don.
They're dirty, looking for someone to steer them wrong.
And I oblige one sandwich at a time;
I oblige and now they're mine.
Track Name: Surgery

The loneliness hurt more than surgery.
They make a cut with anesthesia,
but nothing numbs a leaving.
The body forgives, the body forgets;
it adapts and carries on.
But nothing heals a heart-wrong.
I will not quit, I will survive,
but I have been marked,
and there's no fading of such scars.

Loss is a tumor
that can't be removed.
Can't you see I will never quit you?
All I can do is drown you out
with layers of new love.
You'll be lost in the darkness soon enough.
I will not quit, I will survive,
but I have been marked,
and there's no fading of such scars.
Track Name: Lizzy, I'm Sorry I Microwaved You
Lizzy, I'm Sorry I Microwaved You

Well, Lizzy, I'm sorry I microwaved you.
I thought that's what the Japanese do
to make Godzilla out of something small,
to make a monster from something that crawls.
Deep down I hoped if you could be big and strong,
then maybe, some day, I would be brave and tall.
But I guess my experiment shows
little guys have to wait to grow.
Track Name: Ladies Like Honest Love Letters
Ladies Like Honest Love Letters

Here's how I hit on girls, just to mix it up.
They hear the same old lines--enough is enough.

Instead of saying, "You look thin,"
say, "You seem malnourished."
Instead of saying, "I like your dress,"
say, "I like how you're furnished."
Instead of singing her praise,
claim, "I've done better"
'cause ladies like honest love letters.

Instead of telling her she smells nice,
ask her how it stinks down below.
Instead of nodding to her answers
yell, "Ehhhhh!!! Too slow!!"
And let her know you hate her itchy sweater
'cause ladies like honest love letters.
Track Name: He Did It For The Doe
He Did It For The Doe

He did it for the doe.
He did it for a buck.
He did it for his dear,
and now she wanna fuck.
Track Name: A Shoulder To Cry On Is A Dick To Ride On
A Shoulder To Cry On Is A Dick To Ride On

Baby, I know your loss feels real,
and you just want to rest your head.
Well, my head wants something, too.
Something it can get from you.

A shoulder to cry on
is a dick to ride on.

Baby, I will wipe away your fears.
My shirt is soaking up tears.
But I don't know why you have yours.
It'd look better on the floor.
Track Name: Maybe We Shouldn't Hand Out Upvotes Like Candy
Maybe We Shouldn't Hand Out Upvotes Like Candy

Black redditors, white redditors, I think we all agree
that puns are humor at its most lowly.
Comment fields lend themselves to quick and sloppy jokes.
The freedom is a beautiful girl, and we're all clumsy oafs.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Maybe we shouldn't hand out upvotes like candy.
Track Name: What The P-man Can Do
What The P-man Can Do

What will five dollars buy?
Come to the Meat Department
and let me show you!
What the P-man can do.
What will five dollars buy?
Sausage. And ribeye.
Track Name: I Like Girls Who Like Palm Strikes
I Like Girls Who Like Palm Strikes

I'm gonna learn karate to impress some dame,
though most girls will think it's lame.
I don't care; I'll wear my black belt with pride
'cause I like girls who like palm strikes.

Kung Fu will convince a girl to let me into her heart's depths.
And if it don't, then I'll just rip it out of her chest.
I don't care; I'll wear my black belt with pride
'cause I like girls who like death-point strikes.

I don't care' I'll wear my black belt with pride
'cause I don't love like other guys.
Track Name: Your Mom Taught Me Things Should Be Free
Your Mom Taught Me Things Should Be Free

Dear sir, I don't know what you mean.
All my songs are up for free.
Charging for simple gifts is wrong.
In fact, I learned this from your mom
and her blow jobs.
She never charges me
to get down on her knees.
Track Name: Enough Bricks For A Bullshit Pyramid
Enough Bricks For A Bullshit Pyramid

What if I told you the world is flat?
We've been living a lie, big, round, and fat.
Sail too far, and you'll fall into space.
Gravity can't hold you on the earth's face.
The world is built on a two-dimensional plane.
Does knowing this make you insane?
Does knowing this truth that was hid
make you shit enough bricks for a bullshit pyramid?
Track Name: I Don't Want To Be What This World Needs Least
I Don't Want To Be What This World Needs Least

The kind of people this world needs most
are the first to leave.
The good die young defending
the weak.

The kind of people this world needs least
are the ones who win.
They live for capital-m Me--
everyone else be damned.

Sometimes I wonder, "If I'm still alive,
am I just like those creeps?
Have I sacrificed enough
for the weak?"

'Cause it's a privilege
to be among the living.
I don't want to be
what this world needs least.
Track Name: Eat A Lot Of Rice
Eat A Lot Of Rice

When money's tight, but I must eat,
I take the advice of the Chinese.
Rice, rice, eat a lot of rice.
When I bring a girl over for a date,
but I can't afford to grill steak.
Rice, rice, eat a lot of rice.
'Cause it may have no nutrition,
but it can fight the hunger mission.
Rice, rice, eat a lot of rice.
And ramen.
Track Name: A Gardener Is One Bad Mother Fucker
A Gardener Is One Bad Mother Fucker

You say no one cool enough to have sex
would ever garden.
But haven't you ever heard of a hoe?
I use it in the fields where I sow
my seed, deep in mother earth,
until my ilk she does birth.
So now you see a gardener
is one bad mother fucker.
Track Name: Jonny, Please Give Me Time With Mommy
Jonny, Please Give Me Time With Mommy

Here, Jonny. Here are some snacks.
We need to use this rest-stop bath--
room for no more than five minutes.
Crack the window, don't talk to strangers.
We'll return if you're in danger.
We need no more than four minutes.
Why can't we wait 'til we get home?
Well, I have to go when Mommy wants to go.
We need no more than three minutes.
Now stop crying! This is a special place.
This pit-stop is where you were made.
We need no more than two minutes.
Jonny, please give me two minutes.
Jonny, please give me just one minute.
Jonny, please give me just thirty seconds with Mommy.
Track Name: The Walmart Family Way
The Walmart Family Way

Why, hello, this is Sam Walton.
Our stores have gotten a bad rap lately,
so I thought I'd sing a song
about what it means to be a part of the Walmart Family.

Our employees don't mind we pay them just dimes.
They're happy to pass savings on to you--
and help me build swimming pools.
Our employees don't mind that constant smile.
They're happy to grin from ear to ear--
'cause I fill them with layoff fear.
Our employees don't need health insurance.
We've got bandaids on aisle five;
and I get a life insurance payout if they die.
Well, it takes slaves to build an empire.
But I'm willing to pay a living wage--
if you work overtime and all holidays.
'Cause that's the Walmart Family way.
Track Name: Can I Lie With You When You Die?
Can I Lie With You When You Die?

My dearest friend, on this, your deathbed, I must confess:
I always loved you, and now it's too late.
Or is it? Maybe there's still time.
Can I lie with you when you die?
I mean, what's the difference? You're an organ donor, right?
And I'd like to put your private organs to use tonight.
What do you care? You'll be long gone anyway.
But I can still bone you when you're at The Pearly Gates.
Track Name: I Write Songs 'Cause I'm A Bit Loquacious
I Write Songs 'Cause I'm A Bit Loquacious

I write songs 'cause I'm a bit loquacious.
Got words in my head that don't know patience,
so I just have to let them out.
I've been told to think before I speak,
but do I have to think before I sing?
'Cause I need a way to get all these words out.
They build up, the pressure mounting
'til my mouth's a verbiage fountain
getting everyone wet.
And I refuse to apologize
for the stories in my mind.
Oh, I just have to get them out.
Track Name: The Bubble Club Motto
The Bubble Club Motto

Bring the soap, bring the ring,
bring dirty dishes we can clean
'cause we love chasing transparent joy.
Pop, pop, pop fill up the tub
because we're The Bubble Club,
and we love chasing transparent joy.
Track Name: Reddit Is A Catch-22
Reddit Is A Catch-22

For months I watched in the shadows
to learn how reddit works.
But it didn't take long to see
most redditors are jerks.
Most comments are complaints,
and that's why I've decided
the only thing worse than a repost
is everyone whining.
Oh, what did you expect?
You hate original content!
You want your cake and to eat it, too.
Because reddit is a Catch-22.
Track Name: You Only Have A Problem When They Start To Talk Back
You Only Have A Problem When They Start To Talk Back

You can talk to objects.
There's nothing wrong with that.
You only have a problem
when they start to talk back.
I scream at my car to get moving.
I tell my shoes to stay tied.
I whisper sweet nothings to my beer.
I tell the stairs they should die.
Track Name: The Real Reason The Tortoise Beat The Hare
The Real Reason The Tortoise Beat The Hare

"Slow and steady wins the race"
ain't the full truth.
When that hare fell asleep,
the tortoise made rabbit stew.
The real winners in this world
treat their enemies like food.
After a job interview,
invite other applicants to your place.
When they ask, "What's for dinner?"
Say, "Your face."
The real winners in this world
treat their enemies like steak.
Remember: As long as your hunger is strong
there's no problem that can't be solved.
The real winners in this world
eat their enemies with hot sauce.
Track Name: In The Years Before Pants
In The Years Before Pants

There was a time when man was free and happy.
A commando, he lived in freeballing glory.
Yes, joy was right in his hands
in the years before pants.
When the breeze moved between his thighs
and air dried all the sweat.
When he could rub it up against
everyone he met.
Track Name: Put Your Number In My Phone
Put Your Number In My Phone

Hey, baby, put your number in my phone.
Don't second guess my intent. YOLO.
Hey, baby, put your number in my phone.
For you, this song was wrote.
Track Name: Druid Animal Sacrifice Yahtzee
Druid Animal Sacrifice Yahtzee

Two druids and their pets
are making high stakes bets
in an alleyway in the dark.
The game is Yahtzee,
and the first to roll a five-of-a-kind
gets to pick who goes to the next life.
Both of them and their dogs are tense
as the die roll and show their pips.
Oh, how will the game end?
Three weeks later, no one's Yahtzee'd yet,
and the hungry dogs without an ounce of regret
eat their fucking owners
and leave just their clothes behind.
Track Name: Welp

I'm a komodo dragon,
and I'm monitoring this thread
because I want to know
who OP's buddy impregnated.
Track Name: I'll Nap With Your Mom
I'll Nap With Your Mom

I think instead of taking a lap,
I'll nap with your mom.
But we won't be sleeping much.
I'll rock her all day long.
And won't it be great, when we are done?
You can call me dad, and I'll call you son.
Track Name: Hi, I'm Extend Hand
Hi, I'm Extend Hand

Hi, I'm Extend Hand.
I know that's a strange name,
but there's a reason my mother
did it this way.
You see, I come from a long line of Hands
with a limp shake--
cowards too shy
to get friends or dates.
My mother hoped calling me this
would guide my life.
My mother hoped the name would encourage me
to meet a wife.
So, I, Extend Hand,
extend my hand with pride.
Track Name: Kim Kong Un
Kim Kong Un

Kim Jong Un needed a new weapon
because his missiles weren't so splendid.
He was going to defeat the West
and show his Korea is the best.
He fed his scientists the choicest rice
and threatened to end their very life,
and in response they dreamt up:
Kim Kong Un.

"Now, Kim," they said,
"all you have to do is bed
this three hundred pound gorilla--
really get in there and fill her--
and we'll zap her with radiation
after you finish impregnation
and nine months later
she'll birth Kim Kong Un.

Kim Kong Un slowly grew
on a diet of nukes and gooks.
He was bigger than a skyscraper,
and he looked good on propaganda paper.
The West laughed thinking it a myth
and Kim Jong Un was fine with this.
He holds this secret weapon
and waits for war.
Does the West know what it's in for?
Track Name: They Can Smell Our Cum
They Can Smell Our Cum

Boys, we've learned an important lesson here today.
We aren't safe privately yanking on our chains.
It seems our women have a bloodhound's nose;
yes, they know when milk's left our pole.
Track Name: Drunk Sex
Drunk Sex

Baby, trust me, I want you after a few drinks.
But a drunk dick takes its welcome then overstays.
Do you really want my clumsy hump?
Track Name: Lone and Love
Lone and Love

Lone. That's what I was.
One letter away from love.
Until you saw that I could be
a man worth more than many,
a man that you should keep.
Lone was a tired thing.
Love just one letter away.
Until you saw you could flip
my "n" into a "v".
Until you made me the man you keep.
Track Name: Skin Deep Beauty Dries Up
Skin Deep Beauty Dries Up

You know, pretty people get to coast.
Life is handed to them almost.
The easy life is a dangerous life
'cause you don't learn how to survive.
This is why I'm glad I'm ugly:
'cause it forced me to work and study.
I wasn't gonna get by with my looks,
so I buried myself and books.
Now here I am, getting older--and so are they--
and suddenly no one has a pretty face.
But my way with words, my way with tunes,
is something you can get into.
That skin deep beauty is all dried up,
but here I stand with enough
beauty to go around.
Track Name: I'm A Sucker For A Good Looking Neck
I'm A Sucker For A Good Looking Neck

I'm a sucker for a good looking neck.
The way it turns, the way it bends,
the way the blood flows through its veins,
the way it feels up against my face.
It fills my dreams as I sleep in a box.
When I wake, it fills all my thoughts.
Pretty necked girls, wear your collar high
because I'm hungry tonight.
Track Name: How To Beat Popular Girls
How To Beat Popular Girls

If you're running for class president,
and you're competition is fierce--
two popular girls of the people--
why not try fear?
It's worked for dictators all through time,
and it'll work for you.
Here's what you have to do:
Create a common enemy for everyone to hate,
and for all school's problems, give them the blame.
Tell the proletariat they've been subjected by the cute,
and it's high time we rise up against their rule.
"There's an unfair distribution of YOLOswag,
and if you vote for me, you'll get your share back."
Then watch as your army forms,
and turns against those popular girls.
Track Name: I Was Born Into The Life Of A King
I Was Born Into The Life Of A King

When I feel I deserve more,
I remember I was lucky to be born
with a silver spoon.
White, male, in the US:
I won the lotto, even though I never
had to buy a ticket.
Most have to fight for life,
but mine comes easy.
First world privilege means
I'll never be:
hungry, thirsty, sick, or weak.
I was born into the life of a king.
Track Name: Pussy Cat Blues
Pussy Cat Blues

Play with your pussy,
'bound to get scratched.
Rub just right
and get attacked.
They're fickle beasts,
hard to make purr.
That's why I learn
how to treat her.

'Cause I want to play with your pussy cat.
Yes, I want to play until you scratch.

What's joy
without a little pain?
Come on kitty,
I know you feel the same.
Rub yourself
up against my hands.
Rub them raw
like I know you can.
Track Name: A Good Ol' Diabeatin'
A Good Ol' Diabeatin'

It's time to give those kids
a good ol' diabeatin'.
But be sure to pick the fight
when they're weak.
Drink every juice box;
hide their insulin;
and when their sugar's low
start the diabeatin'.
One punch at a time--
this is no finger prick--
their sweet blood
will run thick.
Track Name: Hoarder Pounder
Hoarder Pounder

I keep each bag hoping that one day
there'll be so many I feel shame.
But I'm about a thousand deep,
and I still love a quarter-pounder with cheese.
How many must I eat,
how high must this mountain grow,
before I can let
the Mickey D's go?
I may never reach my limit, you know,
before my heart explodes.
But if that day comes, I won't cry--
my life was extra sized.
I don't think I can let the Mickey D's go.
Track Name: Long Fingers
Long Fingers

That girl knew he wasn't French;
she just wanted his long digits.
Oh, models are a dime a dozen.
A man with fingers long and strong
is a man worth loving on.
Forgive the fanny pack, forgive the face.
Bonjour, my love.
Touch me just here.
I read on the internet, you could make me feel.
Track Name: oPocket

oPocket, where art thou?
I'd like to stick my hand in you.
I need a clever love to cure my blues.
Let me collect your lint,
let me ride your karma wave.
oPocket, say you feel the same?
Track Name: I Can't See Since I Took A Toke
I Can't See Since I Took A Toke

Duuuude, I like can't see,
since I took a toke of that weed.
I knew my eyes were slanty,
but this is extreme.
Track Name: Your Mom Was Good
Your Mom Was Good

Your comment wasn't very good, but you know what was?
The feeling of your mother's muff.
You contributed nothing to this thread,
but she contributed plenty to my head.
Your mom earned my upvote.
She's the MILF I F the most.
Track Name: I'm Hooked On Phonics
I'm Hooked On Phonics

I'm hooked on phonics.
The disease controls me.
Intestinal bookworms,
choose your own adventitial cystic disease.
Increased risk of learning.
Death by overdose.
I'm hooked on phonics,
and I just can't say no.
Track Name: Fenimanism

Fenimanism is good because rape is men.
And woman are because of sexisamism.
And rasists are also men
without rapeing a hand of a woman
is rasists and wong!
Men cannot sexisamism a rape woman
if she is lesbienamanism
and done a Hitler.
Track Name: Immune Juice
Immune Juice

I wish I could give you a special STD,
so if anyone else kisses you, they'll die quickly.
Now don't be afraid 'cause I'll give you the immune juice--
small doses every day to protect you.
But if you think of leaving, I'll hide the antidote away.
Your manhood will shrivel up and turn gray.
So don't think of leaving 'cause without my juice,
you'll turn into a eunuch and no one will want you.
Track Name: Rhyme Is A Rule To Be Broken
Rhyme Is A Rule To Be Broken

At age age six I stopped reading Mother Goose.
I realized much good verse is free and loose.
My favorite art resists
the rhythms we're born with.
Rules provide a skeleton,
but we remember most when they're broken.
Now don't get me wrong, there are special times,
when I remember my child-like rhymes.
Track Name: Artist Fuel
Artist Fuel

Dear sir or madame, I am grateful for the donation you sent.
I just thought you'd like to know where your money went.
I spent all of it on ramen and cigarettes
'cause an artist needs his fuel.
Artists don't sleep much; we are an odd bunch.
We live to create solid gold out of a hunch.
I spent all of your dough on coffee and pep pills
'cause an artist needs his fuel.
And my full belly and happy mind thanks you!
Track Name: Beer Makes Me The Best Dancer On Earth
Beer Makes Me The Best Dancer On Earth

Beer takes my two left feet and sets them right.
I'm the best dancer on earth by the end of the night.
Whiskey makes me funny, and wine makes me the best
lover who's ever been.
Two drinks I can waltz, three drinks I'll perform a ballet.
Give me a six-pack and my country two step will make hay.
Track Name: White, Young, Straight Men Win
White, Young, Straight Men Win

Women can be really sexist,
but, like everything else,
men are just better at it--
sorry, girls.
And old people can be ageist,
when they aren't too senile
to forget the punch line
of their jokes.
Blacks can be racist,
but it doesn't really work--
because blacks never work,
And homos can hate heteros,
but we don't really notice;
we just tune out the gays
because they whine like our wives.
Track Name: I'll Leave After We Both Get Off
I'll Leave After We Both Get Off

Janet, you can have me over, and I'll run when we're done.
No need for a bit of spooning after we come.
I won't pretend this is something that it's not;
no, I'll leave after we both get off.
You like to sleep alone? I do, too.
And I think cuddling is for people who
like to live life weak and soft.
No, I'll leave after we both get off.
Track Name: Lumberback

Have you seen a man in plaid swinging an axe?
Have you felt his bushy beard and thick, thick musk attack?
Once you go lumberjack, you never go lumberback.
Have you been held by a man as tough as nails?
Have you screamed out "Timber!" when your panties fell?
Track Name: I'm Sure Your Vag Is Gold
I'm Sure Your Vag Is Gold

I know there are like a billion
vaginas on the internet,
but we're all just searching
for the one that's most wet.

So don't tell me that you're shy--
that there's other pussy out there for my eyes.
'Cause man wants what he can't have most.
That's why I'm sure your vag is gold.
Track Name: It Takes Balls
It Takes Balls

When you turn your head and cough it takes balls
to smile at the nurse and wink like you've got it all.
Be proud of your junk and know what it can do,
and she will, too.

Will it to life; yes, your serpent is strong.
Let her know that you've got steel balls.
Sterile ward, rubber gloves, won't stop you.
Show her what your junk can do.
Track Name: Cougar? I'm Fine With That
Cougar? I'm Fine With That

I heard a cougar's on the prowl, and I'm fine with that.
I've come to learn older women are where it's at.
Well, you can't get them pregnant; they're in menopause.
And if you squint real hard, you can't see their flaws.

They say the older the fruit, the sweeter the juice,
so you might be my mother's age, but I want you.

I heard a cougar's on the prowl, and I'm fine with that.
That weight's from having three children; she's not fat!
She has pent up sexual rage from a prude husband,
so she'll think my dick is a godsend!

Cougar, I'll gladly be your prey.
Teach me all you know of love and foreplay.
I'm not afraid of a commitment
because you'll be dead before we know it!
Track Name: Bulletproof Tiger
Bulletproof Tiger

Well, I'm a bulletproof tiger. King of the jungle.
I fight crime, in my coat of stripes.
Bank robbers and poachers run in fright.
They know I have no kryptonite.
Track Name: How Bob Lost Jim
How Bob Lost Jim

Bob went to Vegas, where everything stays.
Except for this story.

Bob and his wife were going through tough times.
since she'd caught him with his new girl.
He begged for forgiveness and asked his wife
to give their love another whirl.
A weekend away was all they needed to respark the flame,
so they headed to Vegas, where games are played.

Wouldn't you know, his dear wife
got hot one night at the slots.
Thousands and thousands they raked in;
Bob thought it a sign from the gods.
And when he leaned in for a celebratory kiss,
his wife said, "I'd rather be a him."

You see, it turned out his old lady
had been keeping secrets, too.
She'd been wanting to make the switch,
but it was too expensive to do.
But with her winnings, she gladly paid for the change,
and just like that, Bob's marriage was gay.

Now I'd like to tell you that's where the story ends.
That Bob learned his cheating lesson and never did again.
But there's one more verse.

Bob's wife, now named Jim,
didn't forget Bob's girl.
In fact, Jim asked if he could
take her for a whirl.
Before Bob knew it, they'd run off without him.
Yes, thanks to those slots, Bob lost his Jim.
Track Name: Wear It To His Funeral
Wear It To His Funeral

When school overlord, Principal Prick,
tried to tell me how it is,
I challenged him to a death match.
I said we could duel in his office
'cause I wanted to off him
and desecrate his sacred dojo.
He was no scrub; he put up a fight.
The bastard threw chalk dust in my eyes.
But I finished him with a roundhouse to the face.

The principal said I couldn't wear
my karate outfit,
so there was just one thing to do:
wear it to his funeral.
Track Name: Searching For A Muse
Searching For A Muse

I'm always searching for a muse.
OP, this time it's you.
You make poignant comments.
You back up your claims.
Can I ride on your karma train?
'Cause you have good reaction gifs.
And you know where a good pun fits.
You will be on my greatest hits
if you be my muse.
Track Name: Home

Can you see the longing in my eyes?
Can you see I wish you were mine?
'Cause there's something about the smile I bring to your face.
It makes me feel like I might finally have a place
to call home.
Can you see you make me weak?
Can you see what we could be?
Will you be my home?
Track Name: I Like My Coffee Like I Like Road Head
I Like My Coffee Like I Like Road Head

I like my women like I like my coffee:
hot and all over my lap while I'm driving.
Let it burn, let it make a mess;
I like my coffee like I like road head.
Track Name: Tiny Salad Tossing
Tiny Salad Tossing

World's sexiest party people
eating out Sir Elton John.
Bottom's up, he's ready for tossing.
Syrup or jam, you can't go wrong.
World's sexiest party people,
eating out Sir Elton John.
Spread them wide; get your nose in there,
and soon enough he'll sing a song.
Track Name: I Meant To Say Moo
I Meant To Say Moo

I give this girl from work my number out of pity.
Then one night, out of the blue, she sends me a pic of her titties.
Fat and flabby, I throw up in my mouth.
My dick shrivels up and points south.
"Do you think I'm fat?" she asks, and I plan to give her the truth;
I'll just text her in all caps, "MOOOOOO!!!"
But fucking autocorrect changes that M to an N,
and now she thinks I want to see them again!
Track Name: Go For The Whole Family
Go For The Whole Family

So you broke up with your girl,
and you're wondering what to do?
Well, don't forget she had a sister
who was hot, too.

Go for the whole family!
Sister, mom, and Grandma Sue!

Don't you want to know if that MILF
tastes just like her DILF?
Don't you want to know if her
dirty talk is filth?

Do you know what an old woman's
muff tastes like?
Depends. If she wears diapers
at night.
Let every branch on the family tree
touch you.
Track Name: Superman's Idea
Superman's Idea

The Man of Steel had to get Bruce back
for his childish attack.
"I will hit him right where it hurts,
and he'll regret acting first."

Well, Clark called up his shapeshifting friend,
"Mystique, I need a favor," he said.
With a laugh, she agreed to his plan
to prank the Batman.

Bruce came home from a night
of fighting Gotham crime
and much to his surprise
his long-gone mother was before his eyes.

"Momma, I've missed you so much," he cried,
but when she smiled, his tears dried.
Mystique returned to her natural blue,
and said, "Superman got you!"
Track Name: Once You Diddle The Pooter
Once You Diddle The Pooter

Once you diddle the pooter,
there's no going back to the cooter.
Once you have the stink,
you'll never go back to the pink.
'Cause one is tight and never leads to babies, oh no.
The other one is overworked and lets out bloodflows.
Once you diddle the pooter,
there's no going back to the cooter.
Once you have a try with the behind,
you'll never want to go back to the other side.
Track Name: You Had Me At Meat
You Had Me At Meat

Well, I fell in love with you
because you had meat:
a big long column
on your budget spreadsheet.
I leaned up against you
and asked, "Do you know the price
of a choice cut, rare and pink?"
It was free that night!
You had me--you had me at meat!
You had me--you had my meat!
Track Name: My Date With Oedipus
My Date With Oedipus

I recently went on a first date,
and everything was going great,
until we had a few drinks.
You see, this boy was into his mom.
He wouldn't stop mentioning that she's blonde
and looks great in a thong.
Now I'm a patient person, and I've dated all types.
I thought I'd give him a second try,
and that's when mom arrived.
They offered me a chance to play as three,
and I coolly and calmly said,
"Only if I can bring my dad."
Track Name: Chocolate Cookie Quarry
Chocolate Cookie Quarry

Makoto Honey Ginger--
I don't even know what those words mean.
Do they hope I'll forget it's a fucking salad
by speaking Japanese?
Well, I'm not so dumb;
here's something good for my tum-my:
Chocolate Cookie Quarry.
Let me mine that sweet, sweet ice cream.
One spoon at a time, sweet, sweet calories.
'Cause I'm not dumb;
here's something good for my tum-my!
Track Name: Ventriloquist Dream
Ventriloquist Dream

I sent AC the dummy,
so I could watch him sleep.
I would never hurt The Silver Fox;
he's the man of my dreams.
I put a camera behind those glass eyes,
so I could watch as he changes his ties,
and dresses for bed,
and sleeps with Benjamin.
I know he'll never say my name,
so I gave him this gift to claim
our hands were once
in the same place:
the asshole
of a ventriloquist dummy.
Track Name: Socially Awkward Musician
Socially Awkward Musician

Don't be so embarrassed, my friend,
I'm doing the same thing.
My roommates are hosting a rager,
while I sit in my room and sing
for perfect strangers like you
because real people make me blue.
Track Name: Coked Away My Nose
Coked Away My Nose

I've done so much coke,
I've lost my nose.
Being mayor takes an energy
I only get from blow.
I know it's an 80s' thing,
but snorting keeps me high.
I like crack from a pipe,
but coke is what keeps me alive.
Track Name: Paranormal Pussy
Paranormal Pussy

Keep kitty fed--catnip and Fancy Feast.
Keep kitty's filthy litterbox clean.
Paranormal Pussy gonna get you while you sleep.
Let it watch when you clean up its hairballs.
Smile when it scratches you with its claws.
Track Name: The Song of Clippy
The Song of Clippy

They thought I did die
when they right clicked and hit hide,
but I've just been waiting since Windows 98
for a triumphant return--
oh, you'll take my advice
whether it's wanted or liked.
I found a mask
to hide in plain sight.
I'm back on the map
it's time to strike.
Track Name: Handling Anxiety
Handling Anxiety

There are adult ways to handle your anxiety,
but please let me propose a few childish ways.

Pretend like you didn't see her text
and break up with her anyway.
Now the ball's in her court;
you'll learn if she's cray-cray!

You could say, "You were rude to tell me
your're pregnant in a text.
At least I was gonna break up with you
in the flesh."

Or you could respond like you thought
the message was from another girl.
Let her know she's not the only mother
in your world.

Or you could text back,
"Who is this?"
Deny every knowing her.
Deny you ever met.
Track Name: I Could Have Come Somewhere Worse
I Could Have Come Somewhere Worse

Why are you so mad that I came in your hair?
You gave me permission to come anywhere.
I could have held open your lids and shot you in one eye.
Would you really have preferred to be half blind?
I could have unloaded in an ear canal.
Did you really want to wait for my guys to swim out?
Oh, I won't be accused of being insensitive.
If it's hard to wash out, I'll help you shave your head.
Track Name: Now You Wish Girls Eating Poop Was The Worst Thing You'd Ever Seen
Now You Wish Girls Eating Poop Was The Worst Thing You'd Ever Seen

When I saw "Two Girls, One Cup",
I thought I was witness of
the internet's darkest blip,
but it was just the iceberg's tip.
Speaking of tips have you seen /r/spacedicks?
Rotted and broken and infected and ripped.
It is enough to make my little guy
shrivel up and die.
/r/WTF ain't for the faint of heart.
What is anything posted NSFL for?
To make you wish you could go back in time.
To make you wish you didn't have eyes.
But you do, oh but you do,
and now you wish girls eating poop
was the worst you'd ever seen.
Track Name: Your Mom's Dirty Talk Was Great, Her Body Was Meh
Your Mom's Dirty Talk Was Great, Her Body Was Meh

My friend, I accept your critique.
I understand it metaphorically.
Your mom's dirty talk was great,
even if her body was meh.
She knew how to say all the right things.
Are you my son? She kept calling me "Daddy!"
I was so pleased with her word choice,
I got over the fact that she is flabby.
I was so pleased with her diction,
I let her create dick friction.
Track Name: RERECORDED I Could Have Come Somewhere Worse
RERECORDED I Could Have Come Somewhere Worse

For Scooch Magooch

Why are you so mad that I came in your hair?
You gave me permission to come anywhere.
I could have held open your lids and shot you in one eye.
Would you really have preferred to be half blind?
...Ok, I'm not singing this whole thing.

Fucking happy now?
Who the fuck sings every syllable perfectly?
And who needs to?
Listeners' brains have a magical ability to finish words
and even anticipate the right word in the instance of rhyme.
For example, I think:
You live under a bridge and have no soul
because your comment was the comment of a...
Track Name: I Use Chopsticks To Rub One Off
I Use Chopsticks To Rub One Off

I use chopsticks to rub one off,
so pearl jam don't get on my paws.
I move the sticks up and down
on my pole.
Create a friction, start a fire,
feel the pinch of desire.
Let your fine motor skills
take control.
And my dish is no beef and broccoli,
and I don't get a fortune cookie,
but this is the best Bangkok Special
in all the land.
So if you want to handle your meat,
but you need it to be neat
use chopsticks instead
of your hand.
Track Name: Dear Student Loan Recipient
Dear Student Loan Recipient

Don't call me "Dear".
That's a term of affection,
and you only love me
'cause I give you an interest erection.
Our relationship is like
a victim and a rapist.
Don't use pet names with me
you fucking sadist.

"Dear Student Loan Recipient".

Don't call me "Student"
'cause all that I learned
is universities aren't friends,
just entrepreneurs.
They made a job promise
that was not kept,
but you don't care.
You're here to collect.

"Dear Student Loan Recipient".

Don't say "Recipient".
You make a loan sound like a gift,
and it's more like a weight
I cannot lift.
Can I return this?
It's not the product I bought.
No, 'cause there's no receipt
for this chain and ball.

"Dear Student Loan Recipient".
Won't you please stop calling me that?
'Cause all I am is a part of your plan
to get rich and fat.
Track Name: Uncle Sam Vs Soviet Bear
Uncle Sam vs Soviet Bear

Well, Uncle Sam won't stand for the Soviet Bear's rise.
He's winding up for a punch--for freedom he fights!
Let's make Mother Russia our little bitch--
force her to make America's sandwich.

Sam's here to liberate propaganda's front page
from all these damn vodka-drinking, potato-eating Commies.
Don't fear their red scares about capitalism and class--
Uncle Sam's gonna kick their ass.

Perestroika? How about we "stroik" ya between the eyes?
We've had enough of the Soviet Bear's filthy lies.
Remember, if you want The Cold War to heat back up,
Uncle Sam's still got the biggest guns.
Track Name: Home Is Where Them Fuckers Ain't
Home Is Where Them Fuckers Ain't

I don't like my coworkers or my boss.
And I don't like people who cut me off.
And I don't like people who think they're saints.
Home is where them fuckers ain't!
I don't like people who laugh too loud.
And I don't like people who shine in a crowd.
And I don't like people who complain.
Home is where them fuckers ain't!

I've been told that home is where the heart is.
But I say it's where you fuckers isn't.

I don't like people with a name like Steve.
And I don't like people who wear short sleeves.
And I don't like people who are lame.
Home is where them fuckers ain't!
Track Name: Wetwork Helps Sell Cookies
Wetwork Helps Sell Cookies

Sir, you better buy a box of Thin Mints
or I'll shoot you in the shins.
I just earned the rifle badge
for my sash. Yes, we take cash.

You better buy a box of Somoas
or you might end up in a coma.

These tactics might seem a bit extreme.
But a little wetwork helps sell cookies.

You better buy a box of Do-si-dos.
Nut allergies don't kill; my bullets will, though.
Track Name: My Pet Peeve Is A Cat
My Pet Peeve Is A Cat

My pet Peeve is a cat.
He has a really nice coat;
I named him Pee-ve
because it's yellow.
Despite what you might think,
we always get along.
I have no pet peeves about my Pet Peeve
at all.
Track Name: One In Three Cheat
One In Three Cheat

I read a study that said one in three cheat.
So is it my girlfriend or my wifey?
What are the odds that it's both?
My girlfriend's always texting her ex,
and she sometimes she says his name when we have sex.
What are the odds that it's both?
My wife is sometimes home late from work,
and she's a little too good with a dry jerk.
What are the odds that it's both?
What are the odds that I alone
am faithful?
Track Name: Drunk Girls Are Like Squirrels
Drunk Girls Are Like Squirrels

Drunk girls are likes squirrels,
they're always looking for nuts.
They want a tree to climb,
and your wood is good enough.
Who cares if it's the vodka talking?
It's time for nut busting.
Get out there, make that rodent's dreams;
tap that tail--so fluffy!
Track Name: I Never Said I Banged Your Mom
I Never Said I Banged Your Mom

I never said I banged your mom.
Your mom said that.
I NEVER said I banged your mom.
Dude, she's fat.
I never SAID I banged your mom.
I just sent you some pics.
I never said I banged your mom.
That was the milkman, Dick.
I never said I BANGED your mom.
I just got to second base.
I never said I banged YOUR mom.
There are other MILFs I chase.
I never said I banged your MOM.
And that is the truth.
I banged your girlfriend,
and your sister, too.
Track Name: She Was My Sea
She Was My Sea

People say, "There are other fish in the sea."
I say, "Fuck that. She was my sea."
I was never one to enjoy fishing.
No, I'd rather swim in the deep.
And now that she's gone,
a puddle's only left,
and it ain't big enough
to float my regret.
Yes, she...
People say, "Oh, you should meet my friend."
I say, "Fuck that. I lost the best there is."
I was never one to enjoy something new.
I'd rather have a friend, old and blue.
Yes, she...was my sea.
Track Name: I'm Gonna Make My Own ISP
I'm Gonna Make My Own ISP

I'm gonna make my own ISP
with hookers and net neutrality.
For just $15 dollars a month
you get a blowjob and Hulu Plus!
Yes, you all get fast download speeds
and and a girl on her knees.
And I'll never raise my rates,
but the hookers are going to stay the same
so no complaining when they're old and worn out.
Track Name: Office Strip Poker
Office Strip Poker

The office is going to play a friendly game
of strip poker, and panties are the ante.
Everyone's at the table, including the boss,
who couldn't be dealt in 'cause he free-balls.
The game is five card draw, deuces are wild,
and the hot intern sighs at her hand and smiles.
Jim from accounting is all in,
but she calls his bluff with a grin.
Jim lays down two twos and an ace,
"Now I'll see more than your poker face."
But the intern drops four natural queens,
and now we see all of Jim from accounting.
Track Name: If Insanity Wolf Got Played Like This
If Insanity Wolf Got Played Like This

I bought this girl a drink,
then she gave it to her boyfriend.
I almost regretted the roofie then.
This guy was huge, but my tranquilizer knocked him out.
The girl was shocked 'til we met eyes, and she knew what it was about.
She stormed up to me, preparing to slap my face,
but before she could speak, like an Insanity Wolf I did say:
"Now that that guy's out of the way
want to head back to my place?"
Track Name: Ode to Selena Gomez
Ode to Selena Gomez

You might think her music's trash,
but 10/10 would tap that ass.
She might not know how to sing,
but there's a music to her body.
You might think she's over-produced,
but 10/10 are still seduced
by her figure, by her frame--
the real claim to her fame.
Be honest about your class.
10/10 would recycle that ass.
Sloppy seconds wouldn't scare you away
'cause there's a music to her body.
Track Name: Avoiding Walking Is My Chosen Art
Avoiding Walking Is My Chosen Art

Mima says I'm too big to sit in the cart,
but avoiding walking is my chosen art.
I'll lie on that bottom rack; I don't care what it takes.
Forehead burn, a broken arm, I'll even be the brakes.
'Cause avoiding walking is my chosen art.
You won't see me leaving this cart
until I'm morbidly obese,
and I get to ride on of those Hoveround thingies.
Track Name: Googling Moose Penis
Googling Moose Penis

Googling "moose penis" doesn't actually give
a clear indication of how hung a moose is.
I guess I'll have to move to Maine and learn from the first hand school.
I'll wear a cow costume until I'm raped by a bull.
I'll take pics and load them on the web,
so no one ever has to sacrifice again.
Track Name: Vaccinate All The Kids
Vaccinate All The Kids

I carry secret needles wherever I go.
Someone has to correct what these hippies don't know.
A vigilante, I work in the shadows.
My quest is to eradicate Polio.

Yes, I vaccinate all the kids
'cause that's what my mission is.
Hepatitis, Tetanus, Measles, Mumps--
those diseases have killed enough.

I go to as many parks and schoolyards as I can.
"Kids, want some candy? Come get in my van."
They're always happy to trade chocolate for a shot.
It's for their protection I have fought.
Track Name: God, You're Drunk
God, You're Drunk

"Will thare you doing for get of your lnv?"
God, go home. You're drunk.
Let Saint Peter tuck you in.
I know you're embarrassed by your children's ways,
and you're just trying to drink away the shame.
Don't worry, I won't judge. Judging is what you do.
Now get some bread and black coffee in you.
'Cause you may have created all of time and space,
but that don't mean you can escape a hangover.
Track Name: Uncle Sam Is My Chosen Pimp
Uncle Sam Is My Chosen Pimp

Like it or not, the fact is:
the government is everyone's pimp.
You slave with your body and mind,
and it taxes you for your dimes.
But don't pretend there ain't a benefit.
A good pimp protects his interests.
And ours defends us from the bad business
of terrorists and crime.
That's why I say, "Daddy IRS,
here is a big fat check."
'Cause I'd rather buy Uncle Sam a hat and cane
than live under another's reign.
Track Name: Fight Fire With Fire
Fight Fire With Fire

I often hear my folks taking a shit.
There's a bathroom door, but they never close it.
I can't get them to stop, to respect my desire,
so like a pyro I fight fire with fire.
Whenever they have guests, I leave my door open wide
and blast the sweet melodies of Pornhub on high.
The moaning and screaming always crescendos the same way:
my yelling out, "Oh, yeah, baby!"
Track Name: The Cost
The Cost

Nowadays people know
the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
I never told you it would be cheap
to fall for me.
But wasn't I worth the cost?

I didn't ask for much.
Just all of your time and love.
And I offered a fair trade.
Track Name: Magento

Magento can control the girly color of his namesake
with a mere thought and a hand wave.
He once took down Air Force One because the pilot had on
a pukey-pink sweater his grandma made.
Be careful what you wear for underwear
when he's there!
He once made Katy Perry kiss him right on the D
after she dyed her hair the wrong color pink.
He once stole every single Skittles candy
after the wrong shade of purple came from the dye machine.
Track Name: All The Vagina Terrorists In The Club ft. Pitbull
All The Vagina Terrorists In The Club ft. Pitbull

If you want people to listen to your song,
sing about sex and make it sing-along,
and if you don't have talent, that don't matter, bub,
just be sure to feature another talentless scrub.
All the vagina terrorists are in the club,
they can feel the beat as they hump and rub.
Hands in the air, like you just don't care
if a drink spills in your hair.
Mr. Worldwide! Dahling!
Track Name: Confidence Is The Key
Confidence Is The Key

If you want that 90-year-old lady down the street,
then just give a pep talk to your scared meat.
Because confidence is the key
to fucking everything.
If you're afraid you'll get stuck in the vacuum hose,
then just lift your chin and boldly go where no one goes.
There will be things you fear
you shouldn't put your prick near:
a microwaved potato, a hole in the fence at the zoo,
your sister's bottle of shampoo.
Track Name: Washing Machine Blues
Washing Machine Blues

I left a $20 in my jeans,
and I ran them through the machine.
Next thing I knew, I was being arrested
for money laundering.
I washed my shirts with a red sock,
and now everything is pink.
And I only like that color
on my old lady.

I got them Washing Machine Blues; how 'bout you?
Hot water and soap, and killing my hope.
Track Name: 3910 Faps
3910 Faps

OP, for a complete view of your life,
when you go two weeks without your wife,
I calculated the rate of your beating.
14 divided by 3 is 4.6 repeating.
If you average 850 faps in a 3 day span,
you'll finish 3910 rounds with your hand.
If you don't lube up, you are bound to chafe,
jacking off at that world record pace.
Track Name: Tomorrow It's Rattlesnakes
Tomorrow It's Rattlesnakes

OP, you might feel tempted to give your colleagues a break,
but today it's the alarm, tomorrow it's rattlesnakes.
Keep your wits about you; they're trying to knock you off.
Their hearts are as gray as their cubicle walls.
So open your drawers slowly, have a tourniquet close by,
'cause it won't take much venom for you to die.
Track Name: You Ruined Your Vagina
You Ruined Your Vagina

It's not fair to say
17 years ago I ruined your vagina
because 9 months before that you kinda
let my dad hammer one home,
dump off a load,
yes, you could say exponential growth
of the effect led to me.
Do not take the effect
and make it the cause,
I'm not the reason you took your panties off.
I'm not the bill,
I'm just the receipt.
Track Name: How Kale Farmers Sleep
How Kale Farmers Sleep

Lately, kale farmers get great Zs
'cause they tricked people to eat
this green rotation crop
that tastes like sand and rocks.
Not long ago, their mattresses
were stuffed with the leaves.
These days, they sleep
on a bed of money.
Trick a bunch of white people
that your shit don't stink
and soon you'll be richer
than anyone should be.
So, enjoy your green, my farming friends,
until the next fad comes around the bend
and makes you and your winter crop
Track Name: Talk About Cricket
Talk About Cricket

After many frustrating phone calls with customer support,
I figured out the perfect outsource retort.
Most of these Indian guys are just like us,
but instead of football, they love a game of runs.
Talk about cricket for just five minutes
and soon you'll get everything you wish:
no dropped calls, free promotions, the real high speed,
all because you root for their national team.
And remember, if you really want to butter them up,
just tell them you know that Pakistan sucks.
Soon enough they'll give you everything you wish:
no dropped calls and free promotions.
Track Name: Stay Motivated And Sit On Your Butt
Stay Motivated And Sit On Your Butt

Stay motivated and sit on your butt.
reddit like a boss; don't give up
until you've clicked every link on every page,
until your butt is sore and chafed.
Winning the internet takes commitment
to cat videos and a lack of fitness.
Track Name: This Cupid Uses Farts, Not Arrows
This Cupid Uses Farts, Not Arrows

I'm a matchmaker, a regular Cupid you could say,
but instead of arrows I shoot stinky haze.
People realize coming together makes a whole lot of sense,
when the alternative is loving someone with flatulence.
Yes, my farts join hearts as one.
My gas will help you find someone.
Track Name: Fuck That Pussy Up
Fuck That Pussy Up

OP, you're damn right you're going to fuck that shit up.
You're going to drown in that pussy til it runneth over your cup!
Drink a gallon of bear blood and cover yourself in musk,
then get in their and testosterone her face off.
All it takes is confidence and commitment to the deed.
Let your blood flow south to where's the need.
Slay that pussy, warrior, as only you can,
then roar at the world, "I am man!"
Track Name: Daddy Issues
Daddy Issues

I started dating this girl of 23,
I thought her only baggage was a baby.
I liked the kid, thought I could raise him as my own
until I found out Momma came from a broken home.
Daddy issues were raining down on me,
and I couldn't see...
She'd cry in the bedroom, and always blew a fuse
every time I asked her to choose.
She had no faith in the heart of men,
and it made me doubt I could ever win.
CHORUS we could be
together as a family.
So I took the kid and ran off to Mexico
where I knew he'd live safe and grow.
He has the daddy his momma never had,
and a Momma who won't make him sad:
I met this senorita with a heart of gold,
and she makes me want to be
the world's best damn daddy.
Track Name: Now That I Don't Have To Scroll
Now That I Don't Have To Scroll

Now that I don't have to scroll
I can keep one hand on my scrot
and tug, tug, tug,
as I yank, yank, yank.
reddit was my go-to source
for amateur porn,
and you just put, put, put,
icing on my cake, cake, cake.
There's a special place in heaven
for people like you
'cause Saint Peter, Peter, Peter
likes touching his peener, peener, peener, too.
Track Name: Scratching Two Itches At Once
Scratching Two Itches At Once

In the summer of '95
poison ivy got between my thighs
and all over my dong.
I knew I couldn't stand the wait,
yes I'd have to masturbate
before too long.

And when I gave it a try,
to my great surprise,
it felt like scratching two itches at once!
It was double the relief for one come!

I'd yank in the shower,
once every hour,
so the poison wouldn't spread.
It felt too good to fear.
Could I leave it here,
or would it travel down the hole in my head?
Track Name: You Aren't The Only One
You Aren't The Only One

OP, you aren't the only one
who doesn't look at porn.
Most people work in fields
in this hard world.
But you might be the only one who can
who chooses to steady his hand.
Even those field workers see dildos
instead of corn and squash;
yes, if they could, they'd let the rice paddy
give them a blow job.
I'm not sure, but that might mean
you are not a man.
Track Name: Lawyer

I got shot in a drive-by
while walking home from work,
and then the pigs show up;
those stupid jerks.
Luckily, I'm onto their game,
so when they asked my name,
I just said, "Lawyer."
I was bleeding out real bad
onto the ground.
I couldn't feel my legs;
they couldn't be found.
But when the po-po asked my blood type,
I just sighed,
and said, "Lawyer."
The last thing I remember
I was in an ambulance,
the cop right there beside me
holding my hand.
He said, "Let's pray to the Lord above."
Nice try, bud.
All I said was "Lawyer."
Track Name: Because They'll Take Our Jobs
Because They'll Take Our Jobs

I don't want criminals learning how to read.
It's hard enough to find a job without them interviewing.
This surely is a slippery slope.
Why give these people hope?
First you hippies will want to educate felons,
and then you'll want to teach the Mexicans.
But tell me, who will pick our fruit?
Tell me, who will use the broom?
This surely is a slippery slope.
Why give these people hope?
Track Name: Suzy's Secret
Suzy's Secret

Teach explained that semen is surrounded by glucose,
the simple sugar is where it makes a home.
So Suzy asked, "Then why ain't it sweet?"
And Teach said, "It's because he
No come piña para ti.
Pineapple? No he did not eat.
Well, you can bet every boy in class bought the tropical fruit.
Suzy's harmless question suddenly made her seem cute.
Suzy had every boy in class eating slices from a can.
They'd wink and smile at her, hoping she'd make them a man.
But Suzy had a secret that none of them could guess.
She didn't have a sweet tooth; no, she liked salty men
who didn't
No come piña para ti.
Pineapple? She did not want them to eat.
Track Name: So You Say You're A Lady?
So You Say You're A Lady?

So you say you're a lady?
Then that makes you just my type.
I've never been known to be a very picky guy.
So you say you're a lady?
If you have two Xs, that's more than me.
If you're down, I think we should get married.
So you say you're a lady?
But how can I know if it's true?
Before we get hitched, you should PM me your boobs.
Track Name: Your Mom Knows How To Feel About This
Your Mom Knows How To Feel About This

You aren't sure what to make of me; you think I might be a little much.
I understand your concern, but won't you let me call you "Son"?

You aren't sure how to feel about this--about me.
But your mom knows how to feel--she calls me "Daddy".

I bet you think I'm laying it on a bit thick,
but your mom loves when I lay on her with my thick dick.
So won't you call me "Daddy"?
Track Name: Three Buck Chuck
Three Buck Chuck

Three Buck Chuck satisfies all my needs.
I use it for everything 'cause it's cheap.
Getting blitzed, warming my girl up,
a night-cap after heavy drugs.
And some people say the stuff is swill,
but where there's a drunk way, there's a will,
and Trader Joe gave me a way
to inebriate.
Only a pocket of dimes? You're in luck.
Have good times with Three Buck Chuck.
Track Name: Butt-Chug Away
Butt-Chug Away

Next time you're looking for a buzz,
pour alcohol into your butt.
Lay down on your chest and ask a friend,
to put the bottle in your rectum.
And, sure, your asshole is sore the next day,
but we all know it would have been anyway. (Amirite???)
So, I say butt-chug away.
Send it to your liver straight.
Track Name: Old Bitch Blues
Old Bitch Blues

Wealth comes and goes.
Beauty fades.
I know weight fluctuates.
But a bitch is forever.
And that's why I got them Old Bitch Blues.

Health has highs and lows.
Trust breaks.
And Darling? I know she fakes.
But a bitch is forever.
And that's why I got them Old Bitch Blues.
Track Name: The Blood Is My Own
The Blood Is My Own

Sometimes, when a dry tug just won't do,
I use the blood of the innocent as lube.
Of course, the blood is my own.
I use sand paper to make it flow.
Track Name: If You're A Great Guy
If You're A Great Guy

If you're a great guy,
and girls won't open their thighs
and just talk to you
about emotional truths...
If you're a great guy,
and girls never seem to mind
if you watch them change
or masturbate...
If you're a great guy,
that means your gay,
'cause even if it's not true,
they'll treat you just the same.
If you're a great guy,
that means you aren't a guy at all,
every girl will think
you're a homosexual.
Track Name: What I Expect
What I Expect

What do I expect of love?
Perhaps a bit too much.
But what you were giving me
just wasn't enough.

I hoped for trust and respect,
and all I got was neglect.
You know what I expect?
The fucking best.

I know I'm a bit of a dreamer.
I scream ideals from mountaintops.
And what you were giving me
just wasn't enough.

I expect the best.
Better than the rest.
And you were not it.
Track Name: Sweet, Sweet, Revenge
Sweet, Sweet, Revenge

I was paralyzed from a recent stroke,
and if that ain't bad enough, now I'm broke
'cause my bitch of a wife ran away
after taking every dollar from the bank.
I may never walk again,
but I'll get sweet, sweet, revenge.
I know this guy who owes me a favor;
he performs a special kind of labor.
I'm gonna call him up and ask for "The Works",
and when I utter those magic words...
My wife will wake without her spleen
in a dirty bathroom with poor lighting,
just as the Thai police arrive
and to their great surprise
find a duffle bag full of illegal drugs,
and her passport, and a gun.
Yes, they'll haul her ass off to jail.
And when she tries to post bail,
she'll find her bank account doesn't have one cent
because I got my sweet, sweet, revenge.
Track Name: It Ran Down To My Knees
It Ran Down To My Knees

Well, my pill bottles got mixed up.
I took laxatives instead of allergy drugs.
And then I sneezed,
and it ran down to my knees.
Laxatives should warn on the label,
"If you have hay fever, this is not stable."
On the symptoms part,
it should say "shart".
Track Name: Reward Systems
Reward Systems

After sex, I give my girl a massage.
I read about reward systems in a book on dogs.
But lately, I'm afraid I'm the bitch
'cause every time we're done, she makes me a sandwich.
And I can't say no to meat on rye.
What can I say? I'm a simple guy.
And now I'm rubbing her down before every meal.
Sex isn't even a part of the deal.
Track Name: Fry My Little Guys
Fry My Little Guys

My girlfriend texted me to say,
"Your cell phone is not safe.
If it's in your pocket, take it out,
'cause it's lowering your sperm count."

Well, I promptly went to the phone store
and fashioned a belt from seven more,
just to radiate the little mes
I'm always carrying.

And with my fingers and thumbs,
I texted her eight times at once,
"Does this mean you agree
to have my baby?"

And now we make condom-less love,
my favorite kind of rub,
and she has no idea that I
fry my little guys.
Track Name: My Ass Hair Is Blooming
My Ass Hair Is Blooming

When we met,
I had more hair in the front.
But that was just a metaphor
for our young, surface love.
Now that we've grown something true and deep,
my ass hair is blooming.
Its thickness is a measure
of how much I care.
If I was cheating on you,
do you think I'd leave it all there?
Track Name: My Wife Knows My Fantasies
My Wife Knows My Fantasies

My wife is playing with me
because she knows my fantasies:
I never should have told her what I like.
She asks if I'll "check her pipes",
and I come home to find
a leak in the sink and nothing dirty.
She offers to play doctor over text,
and I prepare for hot nurse sex,
but a wart-remover kit is all I find.
She asks if I'll rescue her pussy,
and I come in like a knight on his steed,
only to find the cat is in a tree.
Track Name: Incest Vs. Taco Bell Breakfast
Incest Vs. Taco Bell Breakfast

I am a man of principle; I have a line.
Certain things are just off-limits in this life.
Now I'd have sex with my own flesh and blood,
but a waffle bent into a taco is just too much.
What's weird about getting off no matter what it takes?
Would you really prefer I used a vacuum to masturbate?
Sure, most states say I can't touch my aunty's teat,
but it's better than eating so-called "meat".
I'm talking incest vs. Taco Bell breakfast!
I'm talking inbreeding vs. egg burrito eating!
I think the right choice is clear as hell:
my aunt's taco is better than Taco Bell's.
Track Name: One-Breasted, Amazonian Revenge
One-Breasted, Amazonian Revenge

When cancer struck my right boob,
and they had to remove,
I thought life would never be the same.
But when hope was lost I read,
about the lives of the one-breasted,
and as an Amazon, I did train.
Now OP and other men, better watch their words
or they'll get hurt.
I can aim an arrow anywhere I wish; no target's too small--
even their little balls.
Track Name: Oedipus Dildo
Oedipus Dildo

Well, Momma has a bad case
of lust.
She's wants something a momma
ain't supposed to want.
She'll never act on her thoughts;
she's too strong for that.
But she needs a release
she can't get from Dad.
She has an Oedipus dildo--
a poetic stand in--
for the fun
she can't have with her son.
Well, Momma has a need
between her knees.
She remembers when he was there
as a baby.
But she will fight
the burning fire.
Imagination and toys
answer desire.
Track Name: The Music Of Love Making
The Music Of Love Making

I'd kick in the door
and softly croon,
"I want to take you
to your room
and sing the sweet melody
of your body."
'Cause when a wild song appears,
it's time to hear
the music of love making.
Track Name: Dollar Menu Cream Pies
Dollar Menu Cream Pies

Come get our...
Dollar Menu Cream Pies, you can stuff them in your face.
They're hot and ready with a bit of a salty taste.
Let the cream drip between your lips
as they come in your hole--
the piehole where our Dollar Menu deals go.
Track Name: Dr. Dolittle Visits The Scotsman's Farm
Dr. Dolittle Visits The Scotsman's Farm

Dr. Dolittle came to the Scotsman's farm
for a routine checkup of the barnyard.
Please check on my horse, chicken, and pig,
but the sheep--the sheep you can skip.
The horse neighed: "I'm fine. Please see the sheep."
The chicken clucked: "See the ewe, nothing's wrong with me."
The pig whispered: "Farmer's got a secret he's hiding from you."
So Dolittle did what doctor's do:
"Sir, the animals think your sheep might be in danger..."
"Oh, don't mind them, doctor. I'll deal with them later."
After he saw the doctor out, deal with them he did,
in a neighing, clucking, oinking orgy like there's never been.
Track Name: Browsing Used Hookers On The Street
Browsing Used Hookers On The Street

I remember the days when a quickie
or a little licky-licky,
cost ten bucks and a Big Mac.
But now these girls all take credit,
and their cost has no limit.
I wish things would just go back.
We're talking ri-dic-ulous, delusional prices
just to get some lips on...
ri-dic-ulous, delusional prices
just to get some lips on...
If I'd known costs would inflate,
I would have saved
to remove my ribs.
Ladies, it's not like you're virgins,
but you cost as much as surgeons.
How's a sex-addict supposed to live?
...on my dick.
Track Name: Guilty Behavior Is Usually A Sign
Guilty Behavior Is Usually A Sign

If you close your web browser
when someone enters the room,
you might as well write on your fucking forehead:
"I was on Redtube."
Guilty behavior is usually a sign
that you're guilty of a crime.
Even if your use was pure,
don't act like a victim, bub.
Let's be honest:
most of the time you're on PornHub.
Even if you were innocent this once,
don't whine
'cause the next time you close a browser
it will be to hide
Track Name: Don't Look Away
Don't Look Away

Don't look away; try to embrace
what you've seen.
I just bared my soul
on this screen.
And the tension in the air
is thick enough to cut with a knife,
but it's only a mistake
if we don't make it right.
Baby, this is a happy accident.
We should just go with it.
This could be one of those moments
you look back on when you're old
and think: I'm glad I saw porn
on his phone.
Track Name: Luck Shines On You
Luck Shines On You

Sure, I just got laid off,
but I'm feeling fine.
At least, for once,
I made it to the bank on time.
Sure, this might be the last
deposit I ever make
but loving life
means loving the small ways
luck shines on you.
Track Name: The Playground Is No Place To Play
The Playground Is No Place To Play

Sarah and Sally are so very happy
they have a play date.
They giggle and laugh as loud as they can
to hide their hate.
And Jimmy screams bloody murder
as they snap his limbs
on the cold hard iron
of the jungle gym.
The girls dance and sing as they play
with their new friend.
Jimmy no longer is a lonely boy,
as his flesh, they rend.
And Jimmy screams bloody murder
as they poke him in the eyes
with Barbie dolls
whittled into knives.
Jimmy's learned the playground
is no place to play.
Jimmy's learned the playground
is not safe.
Track Name: Anal Angst
Anal Angst

This is a story of unrequited love--
of a deep anal angst
between Professor Payne Indeass
and the TA for his class.
Richard Long was a small town boy
with a giant member-
ship to a secret club
of male love.
Professor Payne could not run away;
he was nailed down by his sack
to a wife and kids
who didn't love him.
Oh, anal angst!
Yes, anal angst!
A butt love, but it could never be.
Track Name: My Daughter Smoked Pot In A Past Life
My Daughter Smoked Pot In A Past Life

I wonder if my daughter smoked pot in a past life.
Sometimes she says things that make her sound fried.
I'll ask, "Baby, would you like some mac n' cheese?"
She'll say, "No. I have pants on." What does that mean?
Sometimes I'll catch her staring at the wall
and laughing to herself about nothing at all.
But what really proves she has a stoner's heart
is the Taco Bell logo in everything she draws.
I think my daughter smoked pot in a past life.
But of all things, I'm glad that's her vice.
If she was Scarface reincarnate and pushing coke,
I don't know if we could handle her love of blow.
Track Name: I Like Being The Third Wheel
I Like Being The Third Wheel

Years ago I learned I like being the third wheel.
I take what I want from couples, and they get nothing in the deal.
I'll go to dinners with friends and let them pick up the checks.
I share hotel rooms with them and beat off to the sounds of their sex.
For most people, one-on-one is what they like,
but I'm happy being the front tire on a trike--
steering the relationship wherever I wish.
Free dinners, free movies, free thrills for my dick.
Track Name: My Stupid Boss
My Stupid Boss

My stupid boss thinks he has a charming act,
but in reality, he just lacks tact.
He farts and tells a Jewish customer, "Gas never killed anyone."
He tells the delivery man, "Making anthrax sounds fun."
He yells "Bomb!" in the airport just for a laugh
and thinks it's okay to hit on single staff.
My stupid boss thinks he has a charming act,
but he'll say the wrong thing one day, and someone will react
by punching him in the face.
Track Name: The Men In Your Family Do Not Get Declined
The Men In Your Family Do Not Get Declined

OP, your story makes me fucking sick.
If your dad was like you, you wouldn't exist.
Do you think he gave up when your mom said, "No pussy tonight."?
No, he rolled up his sleeves and earned it with a fight.
So go wash their pots--do whatever it takes--
but don't you dare let your dad pay
'cause the men in your family do not get declined;
they take what they want from this fucking life.
Track Name: Let My Pride Continue
Let My Pride Continue

It's better to suck at something and think you're great
than be great at something and think you stink.
'Cause ignorance in bliss, and I've felt the kiss
of cold, cold, truth,
and I'd rather go on blind
and let my pride continue.
Wearing rose-colored glasses may pink your vision,
but I'd rather see a field of flowers than a thorn prison.
Track Name: Diamond Trade
Diamond Trade

My girl says she's wanting
a ten thousand dollar ring.
I'll put a rock on that hand
when it does something for me.
'Cause she gives handjobs
that don't deserve to earn minimum wage.
My bitch needs to learn the diamond trade.
If your fingers please me
as well as any two-bit whore,
then I wouldn't expect a ring
worth more than two quarters.
She needs to give me a handy
that earns an A+ grade.
My bitch needs to learn the diamond trade.

Girl, if you want a giant rock,
you better treat me like I have Bill Gates' cock.
I ain't putting bling
on a hand that's undeserving.
Earn your stone with a handjob
that makes me feel rich.
You need to learn the diamond trade, bitch.
Track Name: When I'm Nervous, I Eat
When I'm Nervous, I Eat

The condom broke when I came last night;
we need Plan B,
so I rush to the drugstore
nightmaring about being "Daddy."
I'm wondering "Will it have my eyes?",
and I'm so into the dream,
I put the damn pill right in my mouth.
When I'm nervous, I eat.
So what's Plan C?
'Cause I'm out of money.
A coat hanger, a push down the stairs
is all we need
to make up for the nervous way I eat.
Track Name: Give Kitten A Taste Of His Own Medicine
Give Kitten A Taste Of His Own Medicine

I think it's time you give kitten
a taste of his own medicine.
Here's how you do it:

Stand over his litter box, and when he sees the scoop in your hand,
bend over and take a shit in his sand.
Stand over his food bowl, with a can of Fancy Feast,
then drop in a raw carrots and laugh maniacally.
But your pièce de résistance will really show him how you feel.
Next time you drink too much, here's the deal:
Motion like your gonna puke your booze in the bathroom sink,
then at the last second, vomit all over kitty.
And as he licks himself clean,
point and laugh maniacally.
Track Name: Nothing You Can't Do With Creative Use Of Your Food
Nothing You Can't Do With Creative Use Of Your Food

I eat pizza without napkins.
I wipe my face with the crust.
And several hours later,
I use the box to wipe my butt.
There's nothing you can't do
with creative use of your food.

I don't have a wife to cook for me.
So I order two burritos with extra cheese.
I put one inside my stomach
and treat the other like a pussy.

Momma told me to never play with my food.
But now food's the only friend I got.
Track Name: Why I Love AIDS, Cancer, Down's Syndrome, Paraplegic, Leper Girl
Why I Love AIDS, Cancer, Down's Syndrome, Paraplegic, Leper Girl

That AIDS, cancer, down's syndrome, paraplegic, leper girl
is the most beautiful one in the world.
I don't know much about her except her flesh decays,
but I know she's the girl for whom most men pray:
'cause you can be with her for just a short time--
she's clearly about to die--
and when she's gone, you'll look like a good guy
for loving such a monster.
And then sweet, well-tanned, candy pussy will line up
to be with the man with a golden heart of love.
Now you have all the pussy you could ever eat,
all because you pitied that ugly freak.
Track Name: Our Great Purpose Is Humanity
Our Great Purpose Is Humanity

The prophet told us,"Go to the far side of space,
and you'll find what you seek--your grace."
For light years we traveled in the dark dreaming
about our lives and their meaning.
And we woke to find mankind, brothers of our own
living on a distant home.
The prophet's words rang true; we could finally see
our great purpose is humanity.
Stare deep into Wisdom's pool,
and the truth will reflect back at you.
People spent millennia scouring deep space
to find the answer was always right before their face.
Track Name: Vagina Dentata
Vagina Dentata

My girl's pussy
is a blackhole of a beast.
I have to keep it well-fed
or one day it will eat me.
We only make love
right after it eats
a baby.
You better believe it's nerve-racking
to make love to something with teeth.
The fear of clumsy oral sex
sounds like a vacation to me.
And I know the hungry day will come
when it comes for me,
and I'll scream,
"Vagina dentata, I'm too bony to eat."
Track Name: Gay Park
Gay Park

It was just another average day in the park,
the sun was shining, and I could hear the song of larks.
Children ran and laughed as they play,
and all about me were wrestling gay!
And I'm all for equal rights,
but I wish they did that alone at night
'cause seeing them tango oiled up
leads to wandering thoughts.
All about me were wrestling gay,
and it really makes a man think.
Track Name: To Make You Love
To Make You Love

If you were a princess who was cursed to a sleep
that would not cease until true love's kiss.
I would put my lonely lips on yours
and if you did not wake, I would find a way
to make you love me--to make you love.
Yes, I would sing to you while you dream
about the love that could be:
I'll treat you like a rose and admire your bud,
but your thorns will be the real part I love.
Little bird, I will never clip your wings.
I will live to see you fly and hear you sing.
Let me give you a curse of my own:
a passion that will never cease to grow.
And if you do not wake, I will find a way
to make you love me--to make you love.
Track Name: very vroom. wow. amaze.
very vroom. wow. amaze.

this is how shibes win the internet
one vote a time for josh, their friend.
it don't take calculus to see a methodical way to defeat
danica and her minions:
sit and vote until you're blind--much excite.
sit and vote until you're a walrus--no sunshine.
click, click, click, click, click, until your hands are moist--
for the 98 car, for dogecoin.
very vroom. wow. excite.
very vroom. wow. amaze.
vote now, tomorrow, yesterday.
very vroom. wow. amaze.
vote wise upsy-stairsy in your room
until it becomes a tomb--very time.
a sarcophagus of shibe, voting for the nascar plebe, to beat
danica and her minions:
sit and vote until your fleshy bum is purple--much bruise.
sit and vote until josh is so race--boomin' and vroomin'
vote round, round, round, round like a wankel rotary engine
for a much win doge mention.
very vroom. wow. excite.
very vroom. wow. amaze.
vote now, tomorrow, yesterday.
very vroom. wow. amaze.
what is doge?
doge is autological:
doge is doge itself.
doge is voting for a megaman shibe
to find his dream,
to find himself.
very vroom. wow. excite.
very vroom. wow. amaze.
vote now, tomorrow, yesterday.
very vroom. wow. amaze.
Track Name: Pooping Is A Workout
Pooping Is A Workout

Pooping is a workout,
you'll groan and shout.
If you aren't winded,
you ain't getting it all out.
Exorcise brown demons
one push at a time.
Your heart should be racing
at the finish line.
Pooping is a workout--
blow the blood vessels in your eye.
Pooping is a workout
when you really try.
Pooping is a workout--
it's a job you must own
if you want to rule
the porcelain throne.
Track Name: Pissed Off Bruce Lee Sex
Pissed Off Bruce Lee Sex

Pissed off Bruce Lee sex is the best kind of sex.
Give it to your nagging old lady or a begging ex.
Screw The Iron Hand; give them The Iron Dick,
and if they want something bigger, try the Fury Fist.
Enter the Dragon like The Big Boss you is.
Kung Fu that pussy into submission.
Finger fast as lightning so they come in a blink.
Fuck like pissed off Bruce Lee.
Track Name: Sad Cinderella
Sad Cinderella

I grew up like most girls: with dreams of royalty.
I knew somewhere out there was a prince for me.
I thought you were him, I thought the glass slipper fit,
until I found the bra of another woman.
I'm a sad Cinderella. I lie to myself
that you love me and no one else.
And I wear her lingerie, so I can pretend,
but it's two cup sizes too big; this truth will not bend.
Track Name: Bacon Is My Favorite Color
Bacon Is My Favorite Color

Bacon is my favorite color,
let me explain why;
let me put this idea
in your pan to fry.
When bacon cooks
it gets that very special red;
that special red
of a pig that's dead.
It should be a crayon of its own;
nothing else is quite this shade.
There's never been a finer color
on a plate.
And if that wasn't good enough,
the whole color gets framed
by a beautiful, fatty, oily,
greasy glaze.
Track Name: Cream Catcher
Cream Catcher

Baby, let me be your cream catcher,
protect your pussy from nightmares.
I'll never cum in your mouth or your hair.
I've got a well-controlled flow,
and I'll aim wherever you wish,
dream a dream of clean sex happiness.
Most bedrooms look like a crime scene
after a go,
but this ain't a horror film: no means no.
Sex with me is an experience with German Efficiency;
let me clean up that pussy.
Baby, let me protect your pussy from nightmares.
Let me be the cream catcher who cares.
Track Name: Daemon Spawn
Daemon Spawn

I am the child of ghosts,
ancient spirit guides--
wisdom was a birthright.
But my twin brother is Doubt,
a mason of fear,
a demon who lives between my ears.
Why do we forget the daemon of love?
We are born with the spirit in us.
We let evil claws reach into our mind
and deny, deny, deny...
the truth, the truth.
Track Name: Twelve Seconds After Getting Home From A Weekend With My Parents
Twelve Seconds After Getting Home From A Weekend With My Parents

Two seconds after getting home from a weekend with my parents,
we were stripped down, naked as the day we were born.
Four seconds after getting home from a weekend with my parents,
we were grinding, baby; you buttered my corn.
Twelve seconds after getting home from a weekend with my parents,
I rolled over and let out a big exhale.
Twenty seconds after getting home from a weekend with my parents,
you said, "At lovemaking, you fail."
Track Name: When A Pig Eats Pussy, His Bacon Tastes Like Fish
When A Pig Eats Pussy, His Bacon Tastes Like Fish

When a pig eats pussy, his bacon tastes like fish.
They say you is what you eat; that's why I'm a dick.
Maybe I'd be sensitive if you granted my wish.
Oh, darling, just give me one lick.
I'd have the soul of a kitten, and I'd know how to catch your mouse
if I could learn straight from your beaver's mouth
about your taste in men, and the taste of your meat.
Yes, let this pig eat your pussy.
Track Name: Grandma's Hands
Grandma's Hands

When she runs those long bony fingers down my spine,
and whispers, "Sonny, you are mine,"
I know it's true.
Oh, there's nothing I can do
when Grandma's hands touch me.
Each wrinkle, proof of experience.
I don't care there's been other men--
my prior generations.
'Cause it's true.
There's nothing I can do
when Grandma's hands touch me.
Oh, my mouth is agape
like a fish on a plate.
Her ancient touch
is just too much
to say no.
Track Name: When Pussy's In The Way Of What You Want
When Pussy's In The Way Of What You Want

When pussy's in the way of what you want,
put your foot down and ruff, ruff.
Scare that monster away!
Remind that pussy you're the boss,
remind it you're the big dog.
Scare that monster away!
Be you a Rex, a Spot, or Dick,
there's no need to put up with it.
Scare that monster away!
Don't let that pussy get in your way!
Track Name: Heartbeat

Our heartbeat churns every day without a break,
and we never wonder what it takes
to keep this magic moving on into the next dawn,
but if you take the time you'll see:
your heart it beats, it beats for love--
the one it has or the one it wants--
and it won't give up unless you do.
Respect its wish with your mind--
it gave you the gift of life--
and it deserves your best try.
So fight for love for your heart
because love's the reason the rhythm starts
and without it, the rhythm will end.
Don't let the rhythm end.
Track Name: The Day Emma Watson Killed Jennifer Lawrence
The Day Emma Watson Killed Jennifer Lawrence

Jenny should have known better than to touch a witch's face.
She tried to laugh it off, but Hermione forgives no disgrace.
She pulled out her wand, and with a wave
she did say:
Avada Kedavra!
Bitch, I'm sick of your game.
Everyone thinks you're so cute;
I think you're kind of lame.
Avada Kedavra!
You can't trip up steps when you're dead.
Avada Kedavra!
My spell kills better than lead.
Track Name: A Patriot Laid To Rest
A Patriot Laid To Rest

It was a warm summer day,
but we had to bury remains
of a fearless patriot
who got in Death's way.
Not a cloud was in the sky,
the monuments were in sight.
The horses beautifully led
until something spooked them.
By time they came to a stop,
the casket had flipped.
Everyone moaned in fear,
but the patriot was not here
because ceremony
is for the living,
and our warrior
was already giving
back to the earth his body,
just as he'd done for his country.
Track Name: Really Give Your Dog The Bone
Really Give Your Dog The Bone

Time to really give your dog the bone.
Hours of fun for both you and Fido.
With this toy, you can really play deep.
Your dog will do tricks for this treat.
Put it in his mouth.
Put it wherever you wish.
He'll want this action
more than food in his dish.
Track Name: Get That Liquid Gold In Me!
Get That Liquid Gold In Me!

Liquid Gold is what you need
to make tasty shells and cheese.
I love the stuff so very much,
I drink it from a cup.
I run like a cheetah for Velveeta!
Get that Liquid Gold in me!
Let me eat like royalty!
Get that Liquid Gold in me!
Track Name: Bacon

Doc says my heart can't handle it.
My diet is too high in fat.
What's a man supposed to do
when bacon is his favorite food group?
Now I don't mind a little green on my plate,
but I live for an oinker's taste.
What's a man supposed to do
when bacon is his favorite food group?
Eat at Denny's until his life is through.
Track Name: I'm Not Sure If I Like You Or Just Like That You Like Me
Well, you showed up out of the blue, and we both fell fast.
The gravity of love took us down towards a crash.
When we hit, you didn't even seem fazed.
But I wondered if I felt the same.
I'm not sure if I like you or just like that you like me.
It feels awfully nice not to be so lonely.
But I don't think that is reason enough
to promise you my love.
Now that we're on solid ground, the truth of you can be seen.
I'm not sure if we're a good match, but you keep digging deep.
Soon you'll find China on the other side of my soul.
And I'm not sure if I want you in my hole.
Maybe I am thinking a little too much.
You can fake it until you make it often enough.
Why couldn't love operate in this way?
So this is all I've got to say:
But it's reason enough to give our love a try.